Memo to self you will never be a thin asian....

      On one hand I am watching how to make all these sweets on youtube and on the other hand I'm looking at thinspo pictures. What is wrong with this picture? Not that I want to be thin I was merely curious with these pictures (mostly of young women looking skeletal). I guess this is the dilemma that some women face. One part you love food and love to eat it then on the other hand the guilt of not attaining what is deemed beautiful. The the real problem is self dissatisfaction. It really stems from the group mentality with majority having a large influence in how we look and act even if it is detrimental to us.

     My background on this is not too positive. When I was growing up, I had gone through periods of really low self worth. I was always told that I wasn't thin enough. I equate that with not being good enough. Children are really vulnerable to these kinds of things. They don't have the capacity to tell you how frustrating it is so they seek for approval even if it hurts them. I was always looking for approval in the wrong places. I never developed an eating disorder but I definitely had disordered eating with food. I think there are other people out there that can say the same. Why should I feel so bad having that cake or eating that ice cream?
I'm by no means an unhealthy eater but I am no raw food saint!

     Looking back I'm asking why is it so appealing to be thin. None of us live the model life so why do we got to parade around being extra thin. Nowadays, thinness is equated with success. Perhaps we can get a little piece of success by portraying these celebrities or models. If you were to dig a little deeper though you will find out that the people who appear the most glamorous are only fabrications. No one looks like that all the time and you shouldn't try to. Life is indeed too short to be killing yourself to look a certain way. Why go through all the trouble just to still be uncomfortable and dissatisfied?

     In the end, I am left with more questions than answer. For myself, I feel like I have found my way for the most part. I mean no longer am I seeking to be approved by others and I don't feel guilt for living my life. It is interesting to say that the illusion of success or beauty is strong still. It is an ongoing battle of wills. One hand you want to fit in the other hand you want to be yourself. I say be yourself. You got to feel good about yourself and from there you can project outwards the joy of true satisfaction. Being happy with who you are and where you are in life. Easier said though not impossible. So have your cake and eat it just don't eat too much. Love yourself because you only have one you.

“You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.”

                                                                         - Henry Drummond